Codependency No More: How to Recover from Self-Love Deficit Disorder
When a therapist colleague and friend recently asked me to explain what Self-Love Deficit Disorder is and how to treat it, I panicked — although I love talking about my latest discoveries, especially my renaming of codependency to Self-Love Deficit Disorder. I paused to think of the best response.
Being fatigued from seeing six psychotherapy clients that day, I considered using the therapist’s conversation maneuver of avoiding the subject by asking a similarly difficult question about a topic on which the client loves to talk. My second impulse was to skirt the question by explaining that the answers are best explained in my latest seminar video, the six-hour “Codependency Cure.” These discoveries organically materialized in my life as a direct result of my need to heal emotional wounds and to tear down the emotional, personal, and relational barriers keeping me from experiencing self-love.
My third impulse, the best one, was to proudly and enthusiastically share my “children” with yet another person. Those who know me well understand how my Human Magnet Syndrome, Codependency Cure, and Self-Love Deficit theories and explanations are byproducts of my own family of origin issues (trauma), my rollercoaster journey to recover from it, and the joy of learning to live free from codependency. This is not just a set of theories I like to talk about, but a personal mission that I plan to be on for the rest of my life.
Although I wasn’t excited about the prospect of talking shop at that moment, I tapped into a well of energy and enthusiasm that gave me the much-needed boost to give a condensed rendering of my latest work. But this time, I set a boundary: it would only be a 15-minute explanation! I figured since I had already given many radio interviews, written many articles, created training courses, and, of course, been a psychotherapist for 29 years, it would be a piece of cake.
18 Guiding Principles of Self-Love Deficit Disorder & The Human Magnet Syndrome
I did it with time to spare. Knowing that others might ask me the same question again or would benefit from a similarly condensed rendition of my conceptual and theoretical work, I decided to create a written version of this discussion. The following are my 18 guiding principles of Self-Love Deficit Disorder and The Human Magnet Syndrome.
- “Codependency” is an outdated term that connotes weakness and emotional fragility, both of which are far from the truth. The replacement term, “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” or SLDD takes the stigma and misunderstanding out of codependency and places the focus on the core shame that perpetuates it. Inherent in the term itself is the recognition of the core problem of codependency, as well as the solution to it.
- The absence of self-love results in deeply embedded insecurities that render a person powerless to set boundaries or control their narcissistic loved ones. The person with Self-Love Deficit Disorder, the SLD, is often oblivious or in denial about their dysfunctional relationships patterns with narcissists, as to admit to it would require them to face their core shame and pathological loneliness.
- Pathological Narcissists (Pnarc) have one of three personality disorders or have an addiction: Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The Pnarc addict will cease their narcissistic ways if they do not have one of the above personality disorders and they remain sober (abstinent of their drug of choice) and active in their recovery program.
- The SLD once was a child who was raised by a Pnarc parent who flew into fits of rage, anxiety, sadness, or depression if and when their immediate needs were not catered to or immediately met. This child emotionally survived by avoiding their narcissistic parent’s anger (narcissistic injuries) by morphing into the “trophy,” “pleasing,” or “favorite” child that the Pnarc parent needed them to be. This child grew up learning that safety and conditional love were available to them if they buried their own needs for love, respect and caring while becoming invisible.
- Similar to the child who would become a SLD adult, the Pnarc suffered the same fate of being raised by an abusive, neglectful, or depriving Pnarc parent. Unlike the future SLD child, this child would not or could not find a way to please his narcissistic parent or provide them with pseudo self-esteem, pride or vanity. Even worst, another sibling could have beat them to “trophy status,” which would have rendered them useless to their narcissistic parent. Ultimately, this child was deprived from any form of conditional love, respect and caring from his Pnarc parent. He mostly likely grew up experiencing that the only love he would experience is that which came from him, at the expense of others.
- The inherently dysfunctional SLDD/Pnarc “dance” requires two opposite but distinctly balanced partners: the pleaser/fixer (SLD) and the taker/controller (Pnarc). When the two come together in their relationship, their dance unfolds flawlessly: The narcissistic maintains the lead and the SLD follows. Their roles seem natural to them because they have actually been practicing them their whole lives; the SLD reflexively gives up their power and since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. No one gets their toes stepped on. SLD’s dare not leave their dance partner, because their lack of self-esteem and self-respect makes them feel like they can do no better. Being alone is the equivalent of feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.
- Men and women always have been drawn into romantic relationships instinctively, not so much by what they see, feel or think, but more by an invisible and irresistible relationship force. “Chemistry,” or the intuitive knowingness of perfect compatibility, is synonymous with the Human Magnet Syndrome. This is the attraction force that brings compatibly opposite, but exquisitely matched, lovers together: SLDs and Pnarcs. Like two sides of a magnet, the care-taking and sacrificing SLD and the selfish and entitled Pnarcs are powerfully drawn together, sometimes permanently.
- SLDs repeatedly are attracted to or find themselves intractably in a relationship with a narcissist despite the lessons they keep willing themselves to learn. It is like they are addicted to riding rollercoasters, for which they remember the thrill and elation, but conveniently forget the terror and their subsequent promise to never do it again. Yet they keep getting back in line for another ride.
- SLDs feel trapped in their relationships because they confuse sacrifice and selfless caring with commitment, loyalty and love. The SLD’s distorted thinking and value system is fueled by an irrational fear of abandonment, loneliness and core shame.